Tuesday, January 6, 2009

my new life

well today was the day. i finally went to the gym... yet again i should say. i just do not know where my life went to. i have finally given up. i have come to the realization that it is either get my act together or i should just be in heaven.

i thought i really had my act together. i have 2 degrees, am a single woman homeowner (in this crappy economy) and making the most money i have ever in my life. but what is all of that when you are not happy? i honestly can say that i really don't know what happy is. well take that back....happy is my niece and for right now she is the reason i stay here and not heaven. for those of you who do not know she is autistic, yet fairly high functioning. she amazes me everyday and i really enjoy seeing life through her eyes.

but back to the reason for the blog.....UNHAPPINESS

how does one become happy? what really is happy? does everyone really have this emotion or is it just a front for something deeper? i wish there was a class i could take, etc but in reality everyone must maket their own happiness. i just have no clue what mine is. i am getting older (almost 40---yikes!!!) and i just feel like i have nothing to show for it. Yes I have the monetary means to buy things i like, help out others, do what is right. but in the end that is how i was raised to be. my grandparents (i miss you all) and my parents were not "showy" type of people. you did with what you had and you would go without to help others. that is me in a nutshell.

i am the aunt of all of my friend's children. i have no children of my own. no one to love me unconditionally. i wish i knew what that felt like. is that happiness? i read about all these children that suffer and i think would i be a good parent? should i become a foster parent? should i adopt? i read an article over the holidays about a little elementary school girl here in Texas who was being molested by some man in her town. the man was also molesting her sister. she wrote a letter to Santa asking him to make that man go away. that was all she asked for. no toys, no clothes, no materialistic things.....just for the pain to go away. i wish i could be her Santa. i wish i could write to Santa and have him make all the bad things in my life go away. that little girl is a hero to me. she is one of the bravest people i have read about. they did catch the man as i read in the news and he is in jail now. YEAH SANTA!!!!

do i need a man in my life? not sure. i want one but then i don't. i am a mooch magnet but that goes back to the fact that i prefer to take care of others and not myself. i grew up thinking i could find love by doing sexual things.... WRONG!!! but unfortunately that took about 15 years of my life to figure that out. i just want to find a man friend that works, has a job and knows responsibility. the 50's kind of man.....well maybe the 60's kind of man----love that era's music HAHAHAHA. i guess i do need to take a good look in the mirror and see the obese woman that i really am and call her my friend. maybe when that happens happiness might find its way to me....

until then...i will be walking at the gym!!!!!